I wish I was dead. And I feel like I shouldn't say shit like that. All the innocent lives lost this year...... Just fucking why..
such a sad, fucked up world... i just dont get why everybody has to be so cruel. everyones so messed up. im so messed up. i dont want to be here anymore. i wont be much longer. i've been saying that for far too long now... However, i've been thinking. I know what I gotta do. I dont want a funeral. Cremate me and throw me in the ocean. Either way, when im gone I guess it wont really matter anyway. It wont be much longer. Everytime I think about it... What lies ahead after this life... I feel, almost what I can describe as a brief (not even) split-second of euphoria... relief... just the knowing that this will all be over... it's very enticing. Death, the "call of the void" or whatever you wanna call it, you know, that feeling you get when you're driving... Knowing with one simple throw of your arm it could all be over... Why am I like this. I hope God forgives me. He made me. That sounds like blasphemous blaming but it isn't. I know He created me. Whether he wants me to be with Him after I die or not is a different story. I feel like He'd bar me out, which I would rightfully deserve. I'm a fucked up person that deserves a fucked up afterlife. There's no denying that. God i'm just soo ready to be done on this earth. 22 going on 70. I feel like i've lived ten lifetimes already. Getting out of bed is becoming a major struggle. Leaving my room is getting worse. I've stopped talking to just about everybody. Funny people you'd call your brothers/sisters never check on you... But that's alright. I don't expect anything from anybody. They probably already know im not gonna spill what's in my head anyway. Never have liked doing that. Imposing. Depending. Looking to them for some sort of answer. There is no answer for the fucked up person I am. There is no therapy. There is no medication. Been there done all that. It's all bullshit. Part of the scheme to profit off of mental health issues... If i thought i could be "helped" id try again. But i know myself. The only way out ends in a funeral and endless finality.....
I don't know if this will be my last post here. I guess, if I stop posting, then that answers that. If not, to all my webghost readers, 'til next time...
i have nothing left to say
worse n worse n worse but fuckit
< / 3
sleep is my best friend
i just wanna feel love
maybe i need to quit drinking. fuck, i need to quit doing a lotta shit. like my fuckin life. whatever. this alcohol is cherished much more this weekend. kicks the shit outta sitting in goddamn jail on some bullshit like last weekend.
but fuck it. my life anyway, right? all i have is me at the end of the day. and ultimately, i won't be here much longer anyway.. so what does it matter. i'll never see you again anyway. you only exist in my dreams. either way, i'll never stop loving you.
what a garbled mess of a post. like the rest of my head.
they say it gets worse before it gets better. but what if it just gets worse and worse ? my mind is getting foggier by the day now. it wont be much longer at this point. 22 years is long enough. ive been clean from "hard shit" for 2 years this month. now im just an alcoholic. i need to smoke weed but i need to get a job. fuuuck. all too often i just want to go back to the way things were. either when i was young, or when i was on drugs. what the fuck do i have to do good for? me? who the fuck am i. im still coping with the fact that im still even alive. my bills are getting backed up and i dont know what imma do. honestly i dont even care anymore.
i need a fucking break.
i wish i could get in contact with you. but i dont know where you are anymore.
is it sad when venting on an invisible website becomes the highlight of your day?
not too sure how to feel these days. continuous searching and longing bring nothing but confusion into my life. it's been this way for so long. i thought i was doing something right. no, but maybe it's just time i fuckin grow a pair and do something. finality is interesting. finality. that's it. there is no more. at least not here. who the fuck really knows what happens when we die? do we fade into oblivion? do our spirits walk the earth in eternal pursuit of peace, helping, or haunting? guess that one depends on your soul's intentions. is there heaven? is there hell? so many questions. and none of them have definite answers. i feel like most of the time i choose to ignore them, especially when it comes to thinking about my own soul's extradition and/or destination(s). finality brings me nothing but existential madness. but i have to consider it. i'll figure it out eventually. regardless, i know i have to go.
fuck, i think way too much.
in other news, i'm thinking about giving this site a makeover. i feel like it's overdue after 6 years. maybe i'll try to give it some actual order, or structure, or whatever you wanna call it.
i wish i could fix myself. i dreamt about you again last night. its been four goddamn years. i think im getting too reclusive. maybe social interaction would help. but im not good with people and small talk is boring.
sometimes i just wanna start taking drugs again.
and here i am again. i have got to do something fucking different.
but honestly, maybe i should just quit trying altogether. "voice of the voiceless." fuck it.
man, writing that "2020" year is gonna take some getting used to. still can't believe the 2010's are officially over. not to sure what to think about that other than i'm seriously getting old. too old to be venting about my problems on some bullshit website that nobody reads anyway. i mean, why even bother? i don't know. this shit kinda feels theraputic to me in a way i guess. a lot of whatevers' at this point.
i wish you were here.
wish i wasnt here anymore
happy new year i guess
i had journal entires from 2014 i really wish i had kept on here. then again, it's all just a chronology of depression. who the fuck wants to read that shit anyway? whatever.
T I T A N I U M .
liquor's never tasted so good
what a year it has been. god im so fucking tired
never good enough. try to stay in the light but my head keeps the dark
mix a little bit of weed
w a little bit of cash
w a little bit of this
w a little bit of that
we gon be alright.
well here we are again. cant believe its almost been a year since i've written anything hear. frankly, i'm more surprised that i'm even still alive at all. i was truly expecting to be gone by now. but shit, i've been saying that with each passing birthday. i'm sick of disappointing people. i wonder if i'll ever be comfortable in my own skin. i promote peace, i live by it. i try to encourage others to find their place of peace within themselves.
"nobody is deserving of inside insanity, if the world's makin you crazy then it's fuck the world." -xxxtentacion
maybe one day i just wont wake up again
im ready for this to be over. i disappoint everybody i know. a bad son, a flawed being... i cant escape this. there's only way out i can think of... and even then... i have high doubts that it will work... its long overdue at this point. shouldve been dead years ago... and yet here i am. it goes on... its time for this shit to end for real. D, you left so long ago and yet it still feels like yesterday... and often i wonder how you are doing these days, i hope you are happy. sincerely. im sorry for everything, old friend. N... everyday.... every fucking day. you never leave my mind. if i dont write here again...i love you... i hope your life is filled with success and happiness and love... all the things i wish i could have felt and experienced. sometimes there just isnt a light at the end of the tunnel, so why bother even trying to cope anymore? it doesnt get better... it just gets worse as you get older... least for me it did. i need to just bite the bullet already and get this over with... i just hurt everybody i love and make them go away anyhow, so what's the fuckin point?
this isnt a single-player game..... ///
i miss you
happy birthday. time flies..
tired. all the time.
it sucks, you know.. feeling crazy. i knew i had issues with depression, anxiety, things like that... but i can only assume drugs amplified their output. it really fucks with me. third shifts all the time doesnt help. i feel like nobody cares. some tell me to call anytime... but when i feel like im having a mental breakdown at 4:30 in the morning on a Monday, you're not gonna call anybody. i wish i could be a kid again. granted, in my head ive always been a fucked up mess. disorganized thoughts. i hate myself. weed helps; id rather self-medicate that way than through pharmaceutical companies anyway. puts my mind at ease. "takes the edge off" or something like that.
til next time
people are just the fucking worst--i try to think positive, but everytime i do its always just shot the fuck down // honestly just gonna put a fucking barrel in my mouth, im over this shit. i am so tired of being fed up all the fucking time. with everything. i hate this place. i keep my mouth shut and people still find a way to have a fucking problem with me.
suicide is a feasible option.
p.s. don't be greedy with fucking weed, it defeats the whole purpose of the plant. how are you just gonna smoke all a dude's J like that? what the hell man.
why does life have to be so fucking hard? this is getting harder and harder to cope with...
i hope this is over soon.
..it's not a choice I am the noise; static bring havoc I live in the void..
Much has changed. I'm stuck with what I've got, I suppose. But in the end, is that okay? Does there need to be a problem around every single fucking corner imaginable? Drama queens, bro. Still probably gonna die at some point soon, but I'll let that date pick itself.
I'm so tired. I'm tired of waking up to lonliness and pain in my heart (or what's left of it). It sucks when you don't really have anyone. Nobody to lie awake with when you should be sleeping and talk about everything... there never will be anyone for this guy.
I love my family, I can honestly say that. I love my dad. I love my mom. I love my sister. I love my little nephew. They make me feel like I matter. So this evening, I am thankful. Depressed as hell, lonely, missing special pieces of my heart, but I am thankful.
Getting close to your birthday, now. Got kicked out of my place yesterday. Good thing I have some pretty kickass friends.
When everything goes all "helter skelter" on you, how do you proceed with your life as you once knew it?