never good enough. try to stay in the light but my head keeps the dark
mix a little bit of weed
w a little bit of cash
w a little bit of this
w a little bit of that
we gon be alright.
well here we are again. cant believe its almost been a year since i've written anything hear. frankly, i'm more surprised that i'm even still alive at all. i was truly expecting to be gone by now. but shit, i've been saying that with each passing birthday. i'm sick of disappointing people. i wonder if i'll ever be comfortable in my own skin. i promote peace, i live by it. i try to encourage others to find their place of peace within themselves.
"nobody is deserving of inside insanity, if the world's makin you crazy then it's fuck the world." -xxxtentacion
maybe one day i just wont wake up again
im ready for this to be over. i disappoint everybody i know. a bad son, a flawed being... i cant escape this. there's only way out i can think of... and even then... i have high doubts that it will work... its long overdue at this point. shouldve been dead years ago... and yet here i am. it goes on... its time for this shit to end for real. D, you left so long ago and yet it still feels like yesterday... and often i wonder how you are doing these days, i hope you are happy. sincerely. im sorry for everything, old friend. N... everyday.... every fucking day. you never leave my mind. if i dont write here again...i love you... i hope your life is filled with success and happiness and love... all the things i wish i could have felt and experienced. sometimes there just isnt a light at the end of the tunnel, so why bother even trying to cope anymore? it doesnt get better... it just gets worse as you get older... least for me it did. i need to just bite the bullet already and get this over with... i just hurt everybody i love and make them go away anyhow, so what's the fuckin point?
this isnt a single-player game..... ///
i miss you
happy birthday. time flies..
tired. all the time.
it sucks, you know.. feeling crazy. i knew i had issues with depression, anxiety, things like that... but i can only assume drugs amplified their output. it really fucks with me. third shifts all the time doesnt help. i feel like nobody cares. some tell me to call anytime... but when i feel like im having a mental breakdown at 4:30 in the morning on a Monday, you're not gonna call anybody. i wish i could be a kid again. granted, in my head ive always been a fucked up mess. disorganized thoughts. i hate myself. weed helps; id rather self-medicate that way than through pharmaceutical companies anyway. puts my mind at ease. "takes the edge off" or something like that.
til next time
people are just the fucking worst--i try to think positive, but everytime i do its always just shot the fuck down // honestly just gonna put a fucking barrel in my mouth, im over this shit. i am so tired of being fed up all the fucking time. with everything. i hate this place. i keep my mouth shut and people still find a way to have a fucking problem with me.
suicide is a feasible option.
p.s. don't be greedy with fucking weed, it defeats the whole purpose of the plant. how are you just gonna smoke all a dude's J like that? what the hell man.
why does life have to be so fucking hard? this is getting harder and harder to cope with...
i hope this is over soon.
..it's not a choice I am the noise; static bring havoc I live in the void..
Much has changed. I'm stuck with what I've got, I suppose. But in the end, is that okay? Does there need to be a problem around every single fucking corner imaginable? Drama queens, bro. Still probably gonna die at some point soon, but I'll let that date pick itself.
I'm so tired. I'm tired of waking up to lonliness and pain in my heart (or what's left of it). It sucks when you don't really have anyone. Nobody to lie awake with when you should be sleeping and talk about everything... there never will be anyone for this guy.
I love my family, I can honestly say that. I love my dad. I love my mom. I love my sister. I love my little nephew. They make me feel like I matter. So this evening, I am thankful. Depressed as hell, lonely, missing special pieces of my heart, but I am thankful.
Getting close to your birthday, now. Got kicked out of my place yesterday. Good thing I have some pretty kickass friends.
When everything goes all "helter skelter" on you, how do you proceed with your life as you once knew it?